Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
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ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Okay me first
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Always…
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I gave up going to work for lent.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up