A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
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I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
My what?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
2022 will be better than 2021
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.