FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I think we should hear other voices.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?