Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
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I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!