Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
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Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan