Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
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I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!