THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
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I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.