Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
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Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
why isn’t he texting back
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
awkward
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.