I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
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Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.