If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
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My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
this FaceApp is creepy af
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.