Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
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I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
this came to me in a vision
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
ok hear me out: Luigiana
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare