How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
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I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
School be like
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink