Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
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Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
what could possibly go wrong?
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Perfect.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
motivation
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
new wife guy just dropped