BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
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Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion