Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
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My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I would like even faster food.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.