how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
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You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Maths meets science
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression