*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
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me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves