Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
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ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it