Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO![]()
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*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”