ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
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They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Practicing safe sax
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks