ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
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It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Phones down.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
This makes total sense…
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave