He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
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Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
the three branches of government
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I know this now 😂
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Good Morning.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.