My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
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Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
My what?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM