Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
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My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
😂 amazing answer
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers