I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
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Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
January has been Januweary
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?