I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
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No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
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teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot