Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.

Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”

STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”

ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”

SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”

ME: “It bends and everything.”

SM: “I’ve seen better.”

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?