INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
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“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.