Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
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Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
pep talk
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Practicing safe sax
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat