Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
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Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy