Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
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‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
My neck, my back, my…