When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
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Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
What about second breakfast?
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?