[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
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And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Cats are still liquid.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Cannot stop laughing at this
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
The internet is full of many things