Cannot stop laughing at this
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Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Many hands make light work
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Banderslack Clamberdorch
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.