Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
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saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.