The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
You Might Also Like
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
so much to do
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters