As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
You Might Also Like
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.