As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
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Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Flowers bee like
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Finally!
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.