i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
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I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown