[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
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Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.