Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
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Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.