A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
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“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
do what now??
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Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”