Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
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This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
*sewing*
A thread
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!