On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
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ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My neck my back my allergy attack
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Our lord and savoury.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next