Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
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Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.