I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
You Might Also Like
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop