Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
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When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
fourth time’s the charm
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Every photo I’m tagged in