My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
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[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.