Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
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If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?