I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
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Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.