nothing saves money like being antisocial
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[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
the greatest twitter interaction
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.