[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
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Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
If you want my opinion ask my wife
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong