*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
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*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Story of my life…..
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.