@stpeteyontweety

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

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@Scorpio1080

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

@bigmacher

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

@Ignorant_Indian

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

@panmidwest

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

@Raoul_Duke_71

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

@1Happytwit

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

@3sunzzz

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

@gerryhallcomedy

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew