Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
You Might Also Like
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.