I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
You Might Also Like
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.